P turns 2!

newborn                           one year                           two years

They say time goes by so fast with children, and as cliche as it sounds, it truly does. I cannot believe my sweet girl is two years old. God has used her to teach me so much these last two years. Her strong spirit, although interesting to parent sometimes, is beautiful, and I pray God continues to grow and mold it into something wonderful for His kingdom.

Watching her and D is truly a treasure. They have really begun playing together these last few months and it is the sweetest thing. I hope and pray they always have a strong bond. She is blessed to have a big brother who adores her, he even prays for her every single night at bedtime.

P lights up our life with fun, SASS, and joy! We could not imagine life without her.

One year ago P...

• weighed 22 pounds and was 28 inches long. Today she is 26 pounds and 33 inches tall. 
• was barely a size 2 shoe and is still only a 5/6.
• wore size 12 month clothes and now wears size 24 months.

This year P...

• continued to let her personality shine through. She is confident, passionate, funny, strong willed, bossy, silly, and tons of fun! She has also shown some introverted tendencies, especially around new people. 
• still LOVES to dance. No matter where we are or what we are doing, she will bust a move if she hears good music
• had all of her teeth by 15 months, except the dreaded two year molars
• grew precious, super curly hair and an awesome tan
• still sleeps 12-13 hours at night and takes a long afternoon nap (loves sleep like her momma!)
• is very verbal for her age and says 3-4 word sentences and commands (I told you she was bossy ;)
• favorite phrases: "bad girl" - said to anyone or anything that isn't doing what she wants, "cmon dayday let's go" or "dayday eat your food" - being bossy to her brother, "of course" when asked if she wants to do something, "oh wow!", "oh no!!", "one, two?!" while holding up fingers with authoritative look and negotiating something she wants more of, "baaaaaby, touch it??" - when she sees any and every baby
• current favorite book: Goodnight Moon
• loves swimming, playing with D, tickle time with daddy and walking on his back, jumping on the trampoline, putting on "lips" (chapstick)
• had her first gymnastics class and loved it! The trampoline and bars were her favorite. 
• favorite foods: yogurt, all fruit, pizza, SWEETS
• favorite television show: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
• favorites toys: BABIES (specifically wrapping her babies in baby blankets and pushing them in the stroller), coloring, phones
• continues to 'impress' people with her sass and hilarious looks
• had an ice cream themed birthday party with close friends and family

Breastfeeding is not always best

When you become pregnant, you have all these choices to make. You have two million and ninety two thousand different opinions thrown your way about each decision and somehow you decipher through them what is best for your family. For us, this normally looks like prayerfully considering our parenting decisions and trying to do what we believe is honoring to God.

But when it came to how we would feed our daughter, there really was not any prayer. My head told me that breastfeeding was best. Not because we were breastfed, we weren't. But mostly because it is what everyone around me was doing. I was constantly bombarded with the "breast is best" messages from the internet, Facebook, and friends. So I didn't even consider something else could be best for my family. I did not pray about it - I mean God made women's bodies to create milk after giving birth, so isn't that what I had to do? What I should do?

So I went out and bought all I needed to breastfeed. A pump and tops and creams and pads and bras and pillows later, I began questioning if this was "cheaper" like people claimed, but regardless I was prepared. L and I sat through a breastfeeding class and learned all the basics. I did not even buy formula for the house because I was committed to making breastfeeding work. And truth be told, down deep I thought I would be a failure if I did not do it.

The day my daughter was born they laid her on my chest and it truly was incredible to see how so shortly after arriving into this world she was eating, and I was providing that. But as the days passed, it was apparent that it was not natural for her. It was going to be a learning process for us both. And we tried. We tried so very hard. All three of us. L and my family were so supportive and helped at each feeding. In between feedings I spent my time googling what was going wrong and asking friends for advice and then it was time to feed again.

It did not work for us. It was not best. God led us to do something different. I will not go into the physical reasons it was not working on here, but more than anything it was severely disrupting my bonding with my sweet girl and that was not worth it to us.

So after seven days and much prayer, we switched to formula. At 12am the seventh night we went to the store to buy formula and bottles. And that is when an even heavier guilt began to set in. As I sat in the motorized cart (7 days post c-section) and tried to pick a formula, my heart sank as even the boxes of formula said that breast milk was best (why don't we put on coke that water is better for you?!?). I felt guilt. And failure. It was painful.

As friends began to know that I was not breastfeeding, I had a handful that were supportive and many who commented with a range from "at least you tried" and "you should have tried harder and not given up". It hurt. I was embarrassed. I remember sitting in our church family room and being so embarrassed to pull out my bottle and formula for my baby while everyone else sat breastfeeding.

I felt like I had failed. But feeding my daughter formula is not being a failure. Being able to bond well with her and love on her is the best thing I could have given her. And if that comes in the form of breastfeeding for you and your baby, great - march on friend. But if it does not, that is OKAY. We are not failures. We are thriving mommas that our loving our babies in the best way too.

I guess I have put off this post until I was sure my daughter was not going to grow a third eye ball or something from the way we fed her. Good news, she is happy and healthy. Developing and growing perfectly, above schedule actually.

So I wrote this post for you:

Future mother who really does not want to breastfeed but is only doing it because you feel pressured to - consider all your options. 

New mom who is trying her hardest to breastfeed but it is just not working - IT IS OKAY - you do not have to. You are NOT a failure if you stop. 

And breastfeeding mom who is rocking it - ROCK ON.   

We should all be doing what is best for each of us. Keep feeding those babies the best way for your family, because only you know what is best.

The Joy In Motherhood

I love sleep.

I love long night sleeps and naps. Eyes shut, thoughts off, all of it. 

I LOVE it. I always have.

Then three years ago our sweet boy came into our lives. And it was wonderful and messy and hard and amazing. Many things I was prepared for and most things I was not. Like losing my beloved friend sleep.

Then we had a newborn. I went from losing some sleep to getting some sleep, and that sleep was so light even sweet newborn sleep giggles would wake me. 

Because I love my sleep so much, it was easy for this lack of one of my biggest pleasures to cause me frustration. It took its toll on my parenting, my marriage, myself. 

When I would gather with friends and inevitably we would begin talking about our children, my lack of sleep or trying to find solutions for it, were not far from my tongue. 

And sleep is not the only woe of parenthood. Not the only challenge. How about the incessant talking? The one million questions in a day. The hold me, hold me, hold me. 

But lately I have been convicted. I need to stop complaining. I need to stop my frustration and find JOY in these moments. 

Because one day, in what I am told feels like the blink of an eye, these precious babies are going to sleep for way longer than I want them to. Far into the weekend days and I am sure I will then miss the time I could be spending with them. 

I know they are going to talk less. That one day it will be like pulling teeth to get them to tell me even one thought in their head. That they may no longer ask me "why?" about everything, but will quietly come to their own conclusions. 

Someday they will walk into the kitchen all alone and get their own food and drinks, without asking.

And finally one day they will walk out of my house for the last time as a person who lives there and just become a visitor. They will start their own life and own journeys without me there every bit of the day.

So for today, I choose JOY. I choose to find joy in what can feel like the mundane moments of motherhood and treasure these sweet days. 

D's Fifth Birthday

I can hardly believe that my sweet boy is FIVE years old. Five just sounds so old and means so much.

It means kindergarten and going down the slide at the pool.

Holding up five fingers instead of four.

It means more reality and less fantasy. More maturity, which I guess is obvious at every year, but this year it feels different.

Four has been such a fun year. A year full of imagination and millions of questions a day. D is so emotionally mature and this year marked lots of growing and healing for him, for all of us. Growing and healing can be hard and it was a privilege to walk alongside him. He has made us so very proud. We see God working in Him and that brings us more joy than we knew possible. He really has a love for the Lord and is so inquisitive to know Him more, which has also been a great lesson for me - if only we all had childlike faith.

One year ago D...

• weighed 43 pounds and stood 43 inches tall. Today he is 49 pounds and 46 inches tall. (still SO TALL!!!!)
• wore a size 11 shoe, is now in a size 13.
• wore 5T clothes, he is now a 7/8.

This year D...

• had a another healthy year - praise God!
• started preschool and has had a fabulous year there! he is so social and loves his friends.
• is beginning to read and spell words. 
• asks so many questions about Jesus.
• current favorite book - anything seek and find.
• loves playing soccer and is going to try t-ball soon.
• got his FOURTH bike in three years for his birthday because he keeps outgrowing them.
• favorite food - still BACON, popcorn, and anything salty.
• favorite movies - Planes 2 and The Jungle Book
• favorite toys - Buzz Lightyear/Woody, Power Wheels car, iPad, trampoline
• is an AMAZING big brother. the way they love each other is precious. he is so nurturing and sweet to P. 
• went to Disney World for the first time and it was absolutely magical. He loved meeting all the "creatures". 
• also went to Sea World, Destin, FL, and Canada. 
• had a pirate treasure hunt birthday party with lots of friends and family!

To my sweet boy, I hope this year is magical for you. I pray that five is a year full of fun and growing, and most of all, Jesus. I love you to the moon and back.

P is ONE!

newborn                                                 one year

It is hard to believe we have already had a year with our sweet and sassy girl. I feel so blessed that I get to be her mother. The first six months, and learning curve of a baby, were not easy, nor was pregnancy, but it was all so more than worth it. She is such a joy in our life and keeps us laughing.

She is very independent and I assume that is why she is not walking yet. She totally could physically but it has to be her idea and on her own time. Although she is independent, she is very cautious. She loves to make other people laugh, especially her brother. This last month she has turned into a social butterfly, I cannot go into a store without her stopping everyone with her waving, babbling, and cute smile.

This year of learning and growing and enjoying her has been so much fun and I am so excited to see all God has in store for her.

One year ago P...

• weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 21 inches long. Today she is 22 pounds and 28 inches tall. 
• did not fit in a newborn shoe and now has barely moved to a size 2 (small feet!).
• wore newborn size clothes and now wears size 12 months.

This year P...

• waves, gives high fives, crawls like a ninja, fake laughs/cries to be funny, stands and cruises around the furniture, scoots around on one knee
• LOVES to dance. She loves music and will start dancing when she hears it. A favorite is dancing with her brother. 
• had minor illnesses including RSV, tons of ear infections, and hand/foot/mouth - we were so glad for summer to be here!
• has 7 teeth (4 on top, 3 on bottom)
• sleeps 12 whole hours at night and still takes a long morning and afternoon nap (loves sleep like her momma!)
• is very verbal and says the words momma, dada, dog, go, bye, hi, ouch, baba (bottle)
• current favorite book: anything pop up - if it isn't pop up, she is not interested
• loves swimming in the pool and baths, but was not a fan of the ocean
• favorite foods: grapes, cheese, yogurt
• favorite television show: really just the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse intro song
• favorites toys: Fisher-Price Learn and Love Puppy, Minnie Mouse, pink fuzzy bear, anything that lights up and makes noise
• loves to play peek-a-boo, chase her brother (or be chased)
• earned the name "queen bee" in her Sunday school class, which I am sure is attributed to her social butterfly and sassy qualities combining 
• she loves cake. obviously. 

My Birthday Wish - Abide Family Center

When you hear the words "orphan care" what is the first thing that enters your mind? Perhaps it is foster care or adoption, the fatherless, orphanages. We typically think of getting children out of orphanages and into new families.

But what if we look at why the children are orphans in the first place? What if some of our efforts shift and we focus on keeping biological families together so orphans are not created? What if some of our money and time and effort go towards keeping families together before they are ever torn apart? Giving parents the resources and love and support they need to keep their families together.

What if our minds shift from believing that the "American dream" is the best life for a child and wake up to the realization that the best thing for every child is their biological family (as long as it is available and safe).

I am by no means against adoption, obviously we have adopted and feel passionate about it. There are situations where all the other options have been exhausted and this is the best option for a child, and I fully support those situations. I rejoice that our Heavenly Father sets the lonely in families.

But far too often, adoption and orphanages are not a result from every effort being exhausted. It is often a decision made out of necessity because a mother cannot provide financially for her children. Because adequate medical care is not available for birth and beyond. Because children are taken and used for financial gain.

The Lord is doing a work in me and really opening my eyes to the root of the problem and convicting me about ways we might can be used to be part of the solution. I am not sure what all this means, but what I do know is, my birthday is in a few days and even though I'm turning 29, I still get wishes right?!? I would LOVE if you could help me fund this project below.

Abide Family Center is an organization in Uganda that is fighting to keep families together. Abide is helping families by giving them resources, childcare, housing and more so they can create sustainable environments for their families. So more families are kept together and less children are sent to orphanages. So children are taken out of orphanages and put back in their biological families. Here is a short video on the work they are doing.

I contacted Abide and asked them how we could help and they told me they are in desperate need of an outdoor play structure for the children there. The structure would be cemented and open but with a wall around it so the babies can safely play. In order to make this happen we need to raise $1000.

Here is how you can help:

DONATE - click the donate button below to give financially - $1 or $100, every dollar makes a difference for these families. Maybe $29 in honor of my birthday?! (if you would rather send a check, please email me for information)

You can also donate directly on the Abide Family Center's website if you click here - this option is tax deductible, however, there is no way for us to track your donation for our campaign. If you choose this donation option, please comment below or email me with your amount so it can be counted towards this campaign.

SHARE - please share this post with friends and family so we can make this happen. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could fund even more than this play structure for them?!

Thank you for helping this organization as they serve the families of Uganda. And THANK YOU for helping make my birthday wish come true :)

Fundraising Thermometer by:
Provided by Easy Fundraising Ideas

Thank You Police Officers

I swore I would never marry a police officer. It was too scary.

Then I did.

when we first met and L was sworn in as an officer

So I swore it was okay as long as he did not do SWAT.

Now he does.

And I have never been more grateful.

My sweet L puts his life on the line for this city. He gets up at crazy hours and is on call 24/7 to protect this city and the people in it. Sure he makes a paycheck doing it, but there are so many other ways he could make a paycheck and yet he chose this. God led him here.

I usually get two responses from people when they find out what he does. One is "wow, don't you think that is SO cool?" and the other is "wow, aren't you always scared?" And the answer, for me, falls somewhere in between. Yes it is so cool he protects and serves and looks hot in his uniform, but it is also terrifying. The "cool" wears off when you consider the danger and the way one second could alter everything for your husband, your kids, for you.

D with his "superhero that gets the bad guys"

When his pager goes off at some crazy hour in the night and he rushes to leave the house, a million thoughts and prayers run through my head. I often follow the news waiting to know when they are safe and the situation is dissolved.

But. My Jesus is better than the sin and pain this world offers. I trust that Jesus protects L and that His will is better than any plan we have for ourselves. That L's time being a police officer is fulfilling the kingdom of God in a bigger way than I can ever imagine now.

So during this Police Week - I want to say thank you. Thank you to my husband who selflessly serves and protects. Thank you to all the men and women in this country who serve their cities and counties putting others before themselves. It is not a light calling and yet you chose this career.

THANK YOU. You are appreciated and loved. We are grateful for you.

Why we do not share HIS story

I remember the day we got the call about D. The day we really became parents. The day we began longing to be united with our son that was an ocean away. It was a wonderful and hard day, all at the same time. On the one hand, we had been praying for him for over a year and it was so exciting to know about him and see a picture of him in the days that followed. On the other hand, it was so hard to hear his story. To know why adoption was a necessity for him.

In the beginning we shared a lot of details from his story, really, because we did not know better. There were so many people who gathered around us on our adoption journey. Friends and family who supported, prayed for, gave financially - we wanted them to know him too and to share in the story of redemption God was already writing. But if we could take anything back in our adoption journey, THIS would be it. We would not share his story, and if we did, it would only be to immediate family.

As I have shared recently, one of the hardest things about toddler adoption is they do not understand what adoption is or know their story. It is something as an adoptive parent you share with them in age appropriate and time sensitive ways. So who am I to tell others their story before they know it all themselves? Who am I to share details that they may not want others to know?

This is HIS story. Not mine. I write on here about my journeys in being his mother, but the details of his adoption, those are HIS.

So if you have, or do, ask a question that is something we have decided only should be shared by him, please do not be offended if I say I cannot tell you. It is not because we do not trust you or because we do not want you to know. It is not because we do not want to share with you all God has done in his life already in four precious, short years. It is just because it is not our story to share. And if we did share personal information with you in those beginning days, I beg you to tuck them away in your heart and not share them with anyone.

As D grows we will encourage him to share the parts of his story that he feels led to share. I believe God has big plans for my sweet boy and sharing his story could possibly be in that plan, but I am excited to see what God has in store on His own time, not on mine.

And dear prospective adoptive parent, there are a million things I could tell you about this crazy, wonderful journey of adoption, but one of the biggest things I would say is, no matter how excited or heartbroken you are when you get that call with your match, let their story be theirs.

The Days I Missed

It is hard when I think about the days I missed with my sweet boy, the two long years, and there is nothing to give you a punch in the stomach or take your breath away about that quite like having a baby.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wondered what his birth mother felt. Was she excited, scared, numb?

As P grew in my belly I wondered what the kicks and hiccups and heartburn was like for her. How it was the same or how it was different.

Sitting in the hospital bed holding my sweet newborn baby, I also envisioned what he might have looked like. What his temperament would have been. If he would have been a good sleeper.

As the months have gone on, all nine of them now, each new development milestone that passes, I wonder what it was like for him. I envision him rolling over for the first time - was it on the beautiful red dirt of Uganda? His first smile and laugh I know were just as beautiful as they are now.

I am in love with this age, 9ish months that is. It is so fun and sometimes I wish I could freeze time. I know I would feel the same way about him at this age. I envision a snuggly baby - one that was a bit shy but full of smiles and coos and love.

It is hard. I hate it. I wish I could have had those two years with him. That I would not have missed a breath he has ever taken. And more than anything I wish he did not have to endure the pain and loss of what all of this means, of what adoption stems from at its inception.

But as I mourn over the loss of those years as I live them out with P, God reminds me of the sweet times we have had TOGETHER these last two years. Of the moments that have brought so much joy and healing and love.

He reminds me that He is the redeemer of time. Reminds me of all the times in scripture where He promised to restore everything people had lost. And I choose to trust Him.

It is hard to have missed those days, but I know His plan for my boy, is a sweet, sweet plan. I am honored to be the one that gets a front row seat to watch it unfold each day.

Busting Myths of Toddler Adoption

When we started the adoption process and people would ask us specifics about our adoption, they would comment on how great it was we were adopting a child so "young". Here are a few of the thoughts people often have about toddler (and even infant) adoption and why those myths just are not true.

Children adopted at a young age do not remember the trauma they endured and are therefore are not affected by it.

Many children do remember traumatic situations because they were just that, traumatic. However, even if they cannot recall exact details, there is research that shows children are affected. Research suggests even babies who are adopted at the hospital right after their mother gives birth to them suffer from the traumatic event of being separated from her. As babies we grow in our mother's wombs for nine whole months. She is the first voice we hear and know, so even the separation from her right at birth is traumatic. It is loss.

The effect of early trauma on a child effects everything. Which situations they can handle and how they control their emotions. Rages over small things, rages over big things, and everything in between. Here are a few articles I have found that discuss how this effects their brain here and here.

Toddlers are easier to adopt.

From infant to teenager, there is not an easy age to adopt. Adoption at its very inception is a result of loss and trauma. There is no way to make healing and coping with this type of pain easy. That does not mean it is not worth, OH HOW IT IS WORTH IT. But it is not easy. And a toddler, who doesn't even understand what adoption is or why it is happening, certainly wouldn't be the candidate for "easiest" to adopt...if there were such a thing.

Most toddlers do not even have a grasp on their native language. This makes trying to understand one another very difficult in the beginning. For international adoption, it is difficult to communicate with a child who has no idea what you are saying especially when the people who do speak the child's native language aren't even sure what your child is saying.

A toddler doesn't know their complete story. The story that made adoption a necessity for them in the first place. As an adoptive parent this is something you hold on to for them and share in age appropriate ways and at age appropriate times. You walk around, gladly, carrying the burden of the hurt and pain of their story because the last thing you want to do is have to share the hard with this precious little soul you love.  All the while agonizing over if you have told them enough at each stage or if you told them too much, or how it all will make them feel.

Oh they are just being a two year old.

So many people would tell us this when D would act out. It is understandable as his reactions were sometimes similar to their child. And while I will be the first one to tell you that every child has "toddler" moments, there are still many moments, and probably more for that matter, that are really a reaction to the trauma they have endured.

A warm breeze, a loud noise, anything really can be a trigger to memories that send a child who has experienced trauma over the edge and into a tantrum. These triggers can be for any age, but I feel these reactions are so magnified in the toddler years because they are still unable to completely communicate their emotions from the present moment and their past experiences. Because of this pain inflicted behavior, it sends parents into a constant guessing game of "is this two year old behavior? or is this related to their past?" It makes you question each and every discipline thought, breath, and action you take. It makes you throw out all those parenting styles you swore you would live by and struggle to find just what works best for your kid.

They are so young, they will not care that you are different races.

My four year old is the most race conscious person I know. He is constantly pointing out skin color and differences. He does care. You cannot ignore it. You cannot be colorblind. As much as I wish we lived in a time and place where everyone was, in fact, colorblind, we do not. It is so important for race to be an open topic in your home. We live in a predominantly white area and we are constantly struggling with immersing our son in areas where we are the minority and he is not. They do realize the difference in your skin color very early on and it is something you have to constantly address with them and others.

These are just a few of the stigmas we have heard and I am sure there are many more and a whole other set for "older" child adoption. I am sure many of these apply to all ages of adoption. Bottom line, if you are considering adoption, please do not set your parameters on what you perceive to be "easy" because there is not an easy. The only way is to follow what God is leading you to because no matter what age child you adopt, or parent, it is not an easy road. God calls us all to something different and each family faces unique circumstances.

It is a messy journey full of failures, learning, and triumphs. A journey that can be the most beautiful thing you ever get the chance to experience and one that is oh so worth it.

D's Fourth Birthday

April 2012      -       August 2012      -       March 2013      -      December 2013

Time seems to be going too quickly. Each year faster than the last.

It is such an honor and privilege to be mothering my sweet boy. God continues to use him day in and day out in my life. He brings me so much joy. He teaches me so much in the hard times. Most of all, he has taught me a love I have never known. He has rocked my perception of how much my God loves me.

He is a sweet, sensitive, sassy, smart, athletic boy. Over the last month I have noticed him changing. From a three year old to a four year old. Bittersweet at times, but I do love some of the ways he is growing up and I am so excited about this year.

One year ago D...

• weighed 38 pounds and stood 38 inches tall. Today he is 43 pounds and 43 inches tall. (SO TALL!!!!)
• wore a size 10 shoe, is now growing out of a size 11.
• wore 4T clothes, he is now a 5T.

This year D...

• had a healthy year - praise God!
• continues to be one of the most talkative kids I know and has an incredible vocabulary. 
• can recognize what letter words start with and is learning site words and the beginnings of spelling.
• has started making up stories and has an incredible imagination. 
• current favorite book - Jesus Storybook Bible, if you do not have this you should get it! We read through this a few times this year. 
• loves going to the YMCA to play. Took a superhero gymnastics class and played soccer through the Y this year. Turns out we have quite the soccer player on our hands :)
• favorite food - still BACON
• is potty trained - even for naps - but we have not tackled nighttime yet. This is such a praise.
• favorite movies - Planes and Frozen
• favorites toys - Lightning McQueen/Mater cars, Buzz Lightyear, iPad, trampoline
• became a big brother and is so wonderful with P. I could not have dreamed up a better big brother if I tried. The way they love each other is such a blessing already.
• went on his first camping trip with L and loved it. His favorite part was getting to eat cheetos. 
• had a superhero birthday party which was a blast!

Postpartum Depression Is Real

I remember sitting in my hospital bed, not many hours after P was born, and pouring sweat. Even though it was below 70 degrees in my room, I felt like it was the Sahara desert. And that was the first time I really felt them, the hormones that is.

I mean I guess in reality I had felt them strongly for every day of the last nine months. But this is the first time I remember thinking "oh, these are the hormones they are talking about, the dreaded postpartum ones."

The next time I felt them was a few short hours later when I was trying ever so hard to get my precious daughter to breastfeed correctly. She was screaming. I was laying there topless and bawling my eyes out with a room full of people who are paid to "help" and my husband. The nurse proceeded to yank P from my arms. And that my friends, is the second time I remember thinking, "it is just the hormones, do not hurt the poor nurse." Needless to say P was back in my arms in a matter of seconds.

So they were there. I expected it. I knew it was coming. I was just going to cry some and be a big mama bear and feel like I was living in the middle of the desert. It was fine. It would go away.

But they didn't. At least not immediately. It was more than hormones. It was emotion and pain and ever so real to me.

The turmoil of deciding breast was NOT best for our family about sent me over the edge. I am confident my husband and mother were, at the very least, concerned for me sanity in those seven days. During this time I struggled to bond with my precious baby. Dotting over and holding her because I was so in love was not on the agenda. I just did not want that in between the dreaded feedings.

I remember the first time I was left home alone with both kids. D was in bed and L went five miles down the road for a soccer game. As soon as he left the house, I was terrified he was going to die in a car accident. I just knew it. And that would leave me all alone to raise the two kids, one of which was a newborn, and that, was just impossible, so he COULD NOT die. But I was sure he would. It took everything in me not to call him every five minutes to make sure he was alive.

When we would go to functions outside our home, which was rare with a newborn, but nonetheless, I dreaded it. I knew I needed it, the interaction and the friendships, but it was not fun for me, which was weird. As soon as we would enter a room of people, people I know and love, it would suddenly feel like there was only one gasp of air left in the room and I was sure to suffocate.  (And this symptom still lingers and pops its ugly head from time to time.)

I cried. And I cried. And I cried. About everything. 

I remember distinctly the day my body began to feel healed of these feelings. It was about five and a half weeks when I finally began to feel better. I thank GOD that He healed and restored my emotions, thoughts, hormones, and life. For me, it was a mere five weeks that felt like months, for some people it is much more.

Late in my pregnancy I was blessed to have a close friend share with me that she had suffered with it and it helped me be aware and know I was not alone. It is so important to be able to talk with someone. L was such a source of strength and encouragement for me during this time. I know there are days he had to have been scared for me (for us) and I am so grateful he walked alongside me as I healed.

It is something we rarely talk about, but it is real. If you went through it, or are going through it, you are not alone. Seek help. Find someone to talk to. And God, He is faithful. He never left my side and He is my Healer. Praise to Him alone.

Unexpected Memories

This morning as I lay half asleep in my bed, D brought me a pair of socks to put on him. I leaned over the bed and grabbed the socks helping him pull them on.

And for a brief moment time stood still.

You see he brought me the socks that he wore the day we went to court in Uganda. The socks that are about six sizes too small and the ones I was sure I had already stowed away.

For that brief moment I was swept away, back to April 24, 2012. Back to a muggy hotel room and that concrete block of a bed where I put those socks on him two years ago. Back to my first moments as a mother. As his mother.

In that instant I could almost feel the bites from mosquitoes that covered my body and see the bags under my eyes that were a result of the late night (LOUD) cheering all across town for the soccer game. Or maybe the loud music from the bar downstairs. Or maybe sharing the concrete bed with two other people, one which was a sprawled out toddler. Or maybe the mosquitoes.

For a second I could see his eyes, the ones that, although they had come to trust us in three short weeks, still held pain and fear and questions of the unknown.

I giggled as I remembered how his one dress shoe would not fit over those precious little socks so L used his knife to put a slit down the back and make it fit. And then how it kept falling off all during court until finally we gave up and let him walk around in socks.

I even got anxious all over again. For a split second I felt the nerves and joy of that day all at once.

Those little socks reminded me how far God has brought us. How much He has taught and redeemed us all. And how FAITHFUL He is.

D in his socks after court

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4

Confessions from a girl who is just not "that" mom

Becoming a mom is hard. Everyone has their opinions and does things their own way. The mommy wars abound. Hesitation in giving unsolicited parenting advice seems to be the one boundary that does not exist in the social realm. 

There is pressure. 

Pressure to be perfect, take all the right pictures, feed them the right way, enter your kid in all the right classes, and teach him all the right things. 

Well I am here to confess...I am just not that mom. I am not the perfect mom. See exhibits below:

This is as far as I made it on my "bump" pictures (half way is not too bad right?) And darn it. I should have at least taken one at the hospital to haunt her with years from now when she complains about the woes of pregnancy because trust me, that picture would have spoken volumes.

It got worse with monthly baby pictures. I only have month one.

And it was a pathetic attempt to be unique. Get it? One balloon for one month..and you add one every month. Clever huh? (thanks pinterest). And stressful to go to the store, on her exact month birthday (because of course it cannot be a day late) and get the number of balloons I need for that month. EVERY month. And then you see she looks like she is enjoying it right?!? (poor child). And yes she is naked because I could not find a onsie in every size that was the same...but you bet I wasted time looking for one.

I did not labor. Not by choice, of course, but still. And I was fine with that. I am confident God had a plan in my pregnancy and the way I gave birth. But it seems much of society is not okay with that. Yes, they cut through seven layers of my stomach, but somewhere along the way "we" apparently decided that is just a cop out for the natural way?!? It is not as hard or brave?!

I did not gain the "ideal" 30 pounds during pregnancy. Let's just say I am glad she was two weeks early!

I tried breastfeeding and that lasted seven whole days. I do not pump. I did not even try to. I give my baby formula.

I have a book for D - you know the usual - height/weight every month for a year, favorite things that month, etc. Half of it is blank. P's is completely blank.

I did not mail announcements for either of my children (GASP!). Facebook counts right?!?

I vaccinate my kids. On schedule.

I am not perfect. I miss a lot of things. I do not do everything the way society has deemed "right." But the truth is, if I was doing some of these things above, I would be missing out on THEM. Not that any mom who does all those things perfectly is missing out on her children, but for ME, I would be. So I am learning to throw those things to the wind and just focus on my babies.

Many of these things above I have researched. L and I have prayed and prayed over and come to the decision we feel God has led us to. And, I have learned, the best way is only God's way and following THAT is what is best. Having God approve of and smile upon my parenting...that is where the joy lies. Even when it is not the choice my friends are making for their children, and even if others believe I am poisoning my kid with formula and vaccines, the only answer I have is Jesus. He has led us to parent the way we do, and if your choices are completely opposite, and He led you to those, that is okay too.

At the end of all this, when my kids are grown, they may not have a perfectly styled picture of every month of their life, but I hope they will know this momma LOVES them. That I LOVE them like CRAZY and I would do anything for them. That I am not perfect but I would give up my career, body, life, comfort, and so much more to love them to the best of my ability. And ultimately, that we strive to parent them like God wants, even when we do mess up.

And as moms, and husbands of moms, and friends of moms...I say we cut out all the pressure and just love our babies the best we know how. The best way for OUR family. (Now if I can just convince myself.)

Our Newest Blessing

On July 5th, this precious girl, P, came into our lives.

She came a little early and was quite breech...

Her brother was so very excited to meet her. When he came in the room a few hours after she was born, the smile on his face was priceless. As he sat and held her for the first time, he looked over every little thing about her. He was in as much awe as we were. He loved her from the first moment. He is super protective of her and helps with her so much. He puts "baby" before her name every time he says it and I so wish that would last forever. When people ask to see her he says "see, isn't she soooo cute?!" I am in love with their relationship already and cannot wait to see how God grows it over the years.

Overall, the pregnancy was not my finest hour, but oh my, she was so worth it. She is a precious little girl and we are all smitten with her.

Many people ask me which was easier. How they are different. Adopting D and birthing P, that is. The truth is they were both hard. They both tested my faith, patience, and strength. I thought birthing P would be a little easier because my type A personality could be more in "control" - but come to find out, God is the only one that is in control. My body did not respond super well to pregnancy and there was not a thing I could do about it, just like I could not control when we would get a court date and how my boy was loved on before we met him.

But...they both taught me a love I have never known. Being a mother is such a great honor. The fact that God has graciously blessed us with these two is amazing.

Matching Grant for Grubbs Family

One of the greatest things about adoption is the people you meet along the way. Those families become part of your "adoption" family. They get you. They get why your family looks different and how that feels. They listen to you as you cry your way through the strenuous process and remind you God is faithful. They rejoice with you as you bring home your children. They are the real deal.

Meet the Grubbs Family:

We met them at the beginning of our journey. We have had the honor of walking alongside them as they adopted their sweet baby girl from Ethiopia. They brought her home last fall and while they were in Ethiopia they met these two boys...seriously, click that link...you must watch the video! These precious teenage boys are waiting to be in their forever family and the Grubbs family has said YES! to God's calling of becoming their family. It is amazing to watch your friends be so radical for Jesus, and yet, I bet if you ask them, it is just a no brainer...they love these boys and cannot wait to have them home.

As you know, adoption is expensive, but God is already providing for these boys in an incredible way. The Grubbs family has been awarded a HandinHand adoption matching grant. That means if the Grubbs family receives $5000 in donations, HandinHand will match that $1 for $1 for a grand total of $10,000!!!!!!!!!!

We have done matching grants before on this blog and God did amazing things! Let's give and share so that this family can reach their goal and bring home these precious boys. We have until October 8th (a little over a month) to make this happen. No donation is too big or too small. And if you cannot give, will you consider sharing this story with your friends?!

Two ways to give:

1 - PREFERRED and TAX DEDUCTIBLE OPTION: Mail a check to HandinHand:

Please send all donations made payable to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” postmarked by October 8, 2013 to: (for tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only…do not put our name on the check itself). You may also contact Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc. with any questions you may have.  They can be reached at 913-248-5015 or by e-mail at handinhandadopt@gmail.com. 

Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.   

Grubbs Family

18318 Mimosa Court                                                                                                                                 Gardner, KS  66030  

2 - You may also make a donation through they Grubbs family donation site. This option is not tax deductible but will still apply to the matching grant. 

Conviction In Pregnancy

If you have been around me at all the last eight months or so, it is no secret that pregnancy is not my favorite thing in the world. It has, by far, not been the most difficult pregnancy, but not the easiest either (if there is such a thing?!?). It seems a popular question for mommas-to-be is "How are you feeling?" - and unfortunately, I am not good at masking the truth on that one. Maybe because too many people must have masked the truth for me and now I think they are CrAzY! or is it because I find it hard to find the joy in it all?

This morning I was reading in Psalms and came across the scripture in chapter 139 - "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb"...and it hit me.

God is performing a miracle inside my body, creating life. Inside me is a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, future friend, wife, and mother. Inside me is a little girl that I pray will change the world for Jesus. And yet I complain?

When is the last time I heard of God doing miracles and complained? Miracles usually do not happen without some sort of pain or trial. Some enduring on someone's part. Pregnancy is no different. And neither was adoption.

The adoption process was full of waiting, disappointment, longing, sleepless nights, crying, pain, and delays. But God knew what He was doing. He performed miracle after miracle for us to know D and complete the adoption process. And now we sit on the other side enjoying His redemptive and healing power at work in our boy and family. It is more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed.

And so I was convicted this morning to find joy in these last eight weeks or so...and I am sure the sleepless, hard weeks that will follow. To endure this "race" with patience and focus on my King and all He is doing. To be grateful for the miracle He is performing and stand in awe that He has chosen me to carry this precious girl. As I have written before, it looks like parenting will just continue to make me more holy for Jesus :)

So now I do my best to change my perspective. To enjoy these last weeks with P growing inside me and getting to be a part of this divine miracle of creation.

One Year With Our Boy

One year ago today we were applying for D's visa and getting ready to head home from Uganda. It is completely surreal that one year has so quickly flown by. Our boy has grown and changed into a completely different kid in so many ways, and in many ways he is still the sweetest, most caring boy ever.

Six months ago I updated you on his progress and wanted to update again at a year for years to come. I want him to see and know that the Lord is good. He redeems, restores, and grows us in ways we never dreamed possible. L and I get in bed many nights and talk about how blessed we are to have D, how awesome he is and how we could not imagine life without him. He is the best.

One year ago D...

• weighed 28 pounds and stood 30 inches tall. Today he is 38 pounds and 38 inches tall. That is 10 pounds and eight inches in twelve months!!
• wore a size 5 shoe, is now growing out of a size 10.
• wore 18 month clothes, he is now a 4T.
• was sick with a cold and fever, today his body is completely healthy (PRAISE GOD!).
• knew three words in English - mommy, daddy, and no. Today he is one of the most talkative kids I know. He is well beyond targets for his age in vocabulary and sentence composition. In December his talking really took off and has only escalated since (including a little three year old sass at times ;)
• had a beautiful Ugandan accent, and is still hanging on to it by a thread.

Today D...

• can recognize all letters/ and single digit numbers, as well as count to 50. He is starting to spell and sound out words.
• has officially stopped using his native language :( I wish we knew more of this to teach him.
• loves McDonald's and calls it "Old McDonald". Also, loves to play with his "friends" at Chick-fil-a.
• his current favorite book - the Five Little Monkey series.
• loves HEB, the grocery store, and is quick to point them out when we drive by.
• memorizes EVERYTHING quickly. So, we only listen to Christian music for the most part. We realized this was important when he started walking around singing Rihanna's Diamonds song. He has so many of the songs memorized word for word and it blesses my heart SO much each time he sings them. His "special song" is 10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord) by Matt Redman
• favorite food - baconS. with an S. (he tends to add Ss to his favorite things)
• is pretty much potty trained after several attempts.
• favorite movies - Toy Story and Cars I & II
• some of my favorite sayings he has picked up over the last few months: "of course", "I love you too, mom/dad", "Look at that, it is so cute!", "That is delicious!", "Oh my goodness!", "Oh man", "Good job mom/dad" (think we use positive affirmation a little?!?! :)
• takes swim lessons and is awesome at it. He is also starting soccer soon. I think it is safe to say we likely have an athlete on our hands. 
• loves church and praying to Jesus. 

D is such a caring little boy and very sensitive. He loves others so much and definitely likes to please. His current love languages are without a doubt touch and words of affirmation. He had his 3rd birthday in March and it was such a joy to watch him as he soaked up each moment. My favorite is the video of everyone singing happy birthday to him, he was so happy. 

We are constantly amazed at all God has done this year - all glory and praise to Him. He has blessed are family in unbelievable ways and we cannot wait to see all this next year has in store for D.

referral      -     first day home      -      september 2012      -      christmas 2012      -      march 2013

A few photos from one year ago this week...

VISA

plane that brought us to US

airport welcome

first time at home