When we started the adoption process and people would ask us specifics about our adoption, they would comment on how great it was we were adopting a child so "young". Here are a few of the thoughts people often have about toddler (and even infant) adoption and why those myths just are not true.
Children adopted at a young age do not remember the trauma they endured and are therefore are not affected by it.
Many children do remember traumatic situations because they were just that, traumatic. However, even if they cannot recall exact details, there is research that shows children are affected. Research suggests even babies who are adopted at the hospital right after their mother gives birth to them suffer from the traumatic event of being separated from her. As babies we grow in our mother's wombs for nine whole months. She is the first voice we hear and know, so even the separation from her right at birth is traumatic. It is loss.
The effect of early trauma on a child effects everything. Which situations they can handle and how they control their emotions. Rages over small things, rages over big things, and everything in between. Here are a few articles I have found that discuss how this effects their brain here and here.
Toddlers are easier to adopt.
From infant to teenager, there is not an easy age to adopt. Adoption at its very inception is a result of loss and trauma. There is no way to make healing and coping with this type of pain easy. That does not mean it is not worth, OH HOW IT IS WORTH IT. But it is not easy. And a toddler, who doesn't even understand what adoption is or why it is happening, certainly wouldn't be the candidate for "easiest" to adopt...if there were such a thing.
Most toddlers do not even have a grasp on their native language. This makes trying to understand one another very difficult in the beginning. For international adoption, it is difficult to communicate with a child who has no idea what you are saying especially when the people who do speak the child's native language aren't even sure what your child is saying.
A toddler doesn't know their complete story. The story that made adoption a necessity for them in the first place. As an adoptive parent this is something you hold on to for them and share in age appropriate ways and at age appropriate times. You walk around, gladly, carrying the burden of the hurt and pain of their story because the last thing you want to do is have to share the hard with this precious little soul you love. All the while agonizing over if you have told them enough at each stage or if you told them too much, or how it all will make them feel.
Oh they are just being a two year old.
So many people would tell us this when D would act out. It is understandable as his reactions were sometimes similar to their child. And while I will be the first one to tell you that every child has "toddler" moments, there are still many moments, and probably more for that matter, that are really a reaction to the trauma they have endured.
A warm breeze, a loud noise, anything really can be a trigger to memories that send a child who has experienced trauma over the edge and into a tantrum. These triggers can be for any age, but I feel these reactions are so magnified in the toddler years because they are still unable to completely communicate their emotions from the present moment and their past experiences. Because of this pain inflicted behavior, it sends parents into a constant guessing game of "is this two year old behavior? or is this related to their past?" It makes you question each and every discipline thought, breath, and action you take. It makes you throw out all those parenting styles you swore you would live by and struggle to find just what works best for your kid.
They are so young, they will not care that you are different races.
My four year old is the most race conscious person I know. He is constantly pointing out skin color and differences. He does care. You cannot ignore it. You cannot be colorblind. As much as I wish we lived in a time and place where everyone was, in fact, colorblind, we do not. It is so important for race to be an open topic in your home. We live in a predominantly white area and we are constantly struggling with immersing our son in areas where we are the minority and he is not. They do realize the difference in your skin color very early on and it is something you have to constantly address with them and others.
These are just a few of the stigmas we have heard and I am sure there are many more and a whole other set for "older" child adoption. I am sure many of these apply to all ages of adoption. Bottom line, if you are considering adoption, please do not set your parameters on what you perceive to be "easy" because there is not an easy. The only way is to follow what God is leading you to because no matter what age child you adopt, or parent, it is not an easy road. God calls us all to something different and each family faces unique circumstances.
It is a messy journey full of failures, learning, and triumphs. A journey that can be the most beautiful thing you ever get the chance to experience and one that is oh so worth it.
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