But when it came to how we would feed our daughter, there really was not any prayer. My head told me that breastfeeding was best. Not because we were breastfed, we weren't. But mostly because it is what everyone around me was doing. I was constantly bombarded with the "breast is best" messages from the internet, Facebook, and friends. So I didn't even consider something else could be best for my family. I did not pray about it - I mean God made women's bodies to create milk after giving birth, so isn't that what I had to do? What I should do?
So I went out and bought all I needed to breastfeed. A pump and tops and creams and pads and bras and pillows later, I began questioning if this was "cheaper" like people claimed, but regardless I was prepared. L and I sat through a breastfeeding class and learned all the basics. I did not even buy formula for the house because I was committed to making breastfeeding work. And truth be told, down deep I thought I would be a failure if I did not do it.
The day my daughter was born they laid her on my chest and it truly was incredible to see how so shortly after arriving into this world she was eating, and I was providing that. But as the days passed, it was apparent that it was not natural for her. It was going to be a learning process for us both. And we tried. We tried so very hard. All three of us. L and my family were so supportive and helped at each feeding. In between feedings I spent my time googling what was going wrong and asking friends for advice and then it was time to feed again.
It did not work for us. It was not best. God led us to do something different. I will not go into the physical reasons it was not working on here, but more than anything it was severely disrupting my bonding with my sweet girl and that was not worth it to us.
So after seven days and much prayer, we switched to formula. At 12am the seventh night we went to the store to buy formula and bottles. And that is when an even heavier guilt began to set in. As I sat in the motorized cart (7 days post c-section) and tried to pick a formula, my heart sank as even the boxes of formula said that breast milk was best (why don't we put on coke that water is better for you?!?). I felt guilt. And failure. It was painful.
As friends began to know that I was not breastfeeding, I had a handful that were supportive and many who commented with a range from "at least you tried" and "you should have tried harder and not given up". It hurt. I was embarrassed. I remember sitting in our church family room and being so embarrassed to pull out my bottle and formula for my baby while everyone else sat breastfeeding.
I felt like I had failed. But feeding my daughter formula is not being a failure. Being able to bond well with her and love on her is the best thing I could have given her. And if that comes in the form of breastfeeding for you and your baby, great - march on friend. But if it does not, that is OKAY. We are not failures. We are thriving mommas that our loving our babies in the best way too.
I guess I have put off this post until I was sure my daughter was not going to grow a third eye ball or something from the way we fed her. Good news, she is happy and healthy. Developing and growing perfectly, above schedule actually.
So I wrote this post for you:
Future mother who really does not want to breastfeed but is only doing it because you feel pressured to - consider all your options.
New mom who is trying her hardest to breastfeed but it is just not working - IT IS OKAY - you do not have to. You are NOT a failure if you stop.
And breastfeeding mom who is rocking it - ROCK ON.
We should all be doing what is best for each of us. Keep feeding those babies the best way for your family, because only you know what is best.
