Things Not To Say To Adoptive Parents

I saw this article and while I agree with all ten of them, I also have some of my own to add. I am adding this to our blog because education is important. Until we decided to adopt, we had not been around or involved in many adoptive families. We did not know what was offensive, but we are beginning to get a glimpse.

Adoption is definitely a mindset change. We have not had biological children, but I can tell you adoption is different, but the same. In the same way most people do not ask sensitive questions about pregnancy and child birth, the same respect should be given for adoption.

So here are a few things I would add to the list of things people should really think about before asking an adoptive parent. Some of the questions are completely innocent, and maybe even thought out, but I thought it would help for education to list them anyway so now you will know.

• Are you worried about their genes and if they will be smart, athletic, pretty?
• Do you know they will be black (or insert other race)?
• Adoption is rarely a rash decision and the family has likely thought about that. Also, be careful what words you use and topics of conversations you choose.
• Do you want your "own" children?
• This will be my child. You do not introduce your biological child as "This is Sally, my biological daughter" and an adopted child is no different. From the time we are matched with Little R, this child will be ours. Forever.
• Do you get to have a baby shower?
• A baby shower is for giving gifts to equip a family who is welcoming a new child into their lives. To ooh and ahh about precious little outfits and necessities. So, yes, that would be so kind for anyone to offer a baby shower, just as when someone is pregnant.
• That is great you are adopting, it is so much easier than having a child yourself.
• Unless you have adopted AND had biological children, you cannot make this comment. I will venture to say this is probably not true, but I will get back with you on that. So far, I have not had an adoptive/biological mom agree with this statement.
• How much did your child cost?
• If you are asking this question because you are considering adoption and really want to know logistics, phrase it different and you are fine. If you are asking because you feel called to donate to the family and want to know the need, phrase it different and you are fine. Otherwise, would you ask me how much my hospital bill for giving birth was or how much my house costs?

More than anything, if you have a concern for the decision an adoptive family is making, I urge you to prayerfully consider what and when you should say something. If the Lord leads you then by all means you should.

And to adoptive parents - we have to give more grace. For someone who has not adopted, many of their questions are sincere and not malicious, even if they hurt. We should seek to understand and educate more than get our feelings constantly hurt. (note I am still a work in progress too)