And now that day is here. And God has given us the most incredible gift I could ever imagine. It is beautiful the way He led us here and with a face like this, who can help but gush over his cuteness?!? I mean, come on.
But the truth is, not every single moment is perfect. We are getting to experience something incredible. Our gracious Father is healing and growing our son and even us at the same time. It is beautiful and rare. But it is not always easy (who knew this parenting stuff was hard?!?).
When my boy wakes up sad in the middle of the night and I lay in his room patting his back, I wonder what he is thinking and why he cannot sleep. Tears from the thoughts and frustration roll down my face. It breaks every stinking piece of my heart to know what my son has to heal from.
When the nurse at his consultation tells me she needs to see my adoption court order to prove I am his parent, I go all mama bear on her and secretly want to punch her, while I am crying my eyes out in the middle of a doctors office and trying to explain why it isn't right for her to ask for that. Is my insurance carrier agreeing to pay for him not enough proof? If I brought in a white child who looked like me, how would you know it was really my legal child anymore than D is? If you are going to require this of children who do not look the same as their parents, shouldn't it be required of everyone? It. Breaks. My. Heart. And makes my flesh so very angry.
When D acts out, like any two year old, I still run through a long list of possible reasons he could be acting the way he is that are not typical "two year old". Reasons that come from a past that no child should have to endure.
When I discipline D I see God looking at me and saying the same things. Really, the same things a two year old is learning? YES. Just in different ways, but the same. I am a hurting child in need of grace.
When I think about the possibility of future biological children, I cringe a bit. If God were to bless us with biological children, that would be amazing and we would be so grateful, but how would that change everything? It breaks my heart to think people would assume D was just a friend playing with my children, that he is not my son, my first born.
When people stare incessantly or ask ridiculous questions, I usually sin. I become angry and hurt. And usually not just for that moment, I often ponder it for the whole day. It is ugly I know, but the truth. Deep down I know I have to get this under control and quick. I have to be strong and laugh things off for my boy, but IT IS HARD.
When we are still testing for a parasite after treating it for over six months, my heart aches for all the people in our world without clean water. We have all the luxuries we do here in America, but everyone in the world does not have access to clean water? Are you kidding me?!? Maybe I would actually vote in this election if one of them would promise clean water to every single person on earth.
Maybe there are moments that are hard. But it is worth it because HE IS AWESOME.
Seeing my boy's smiling face as he heals and grows outweighs anything else. God could not have blessed us with a more amazing child. I am humbled that He would allow me to be D's mother and I thank Him daily for that.
This journey is making me more holy for Him. He is using it to teach me more than I ever imagined it would. He certainly knows what He is doing and I am grateful.
PS...sort of related...if you want a good laugh, watch this video called #$%@ People Say To Transracial Families - enjoy! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment